The Journey to Mod Jail
by The Real Jacob Black
Summary: Jacob gets banned, and it's up to Edward and Carlisle, but mostly Edward, to save him. The sequel to "Zuko's Psychic Consultation". This story takes place mostly in the GD and the CB.
1. Carlisle the Unicorn

Edward slapped Bella, a hard back-handed blow to her left cheek. "You stupid WHORE! I can't believe you got fired from Burger King!"

Bella's eyes glistened with tears. "I-I'm s-sorry but-"

"No BUTS!" Edward slapped her again, harder this time. The force of the blow brought Bella to her knees. "You better get a better job, or next time I'll divorce you!"

Bella's body convulsed, though she didn't cry out. "I promise I'll do better next time," she whispered. She pushed herself to her feet and fled the room.

"Edward, you really shouldn't beat your wife. She is very important to the prophecy." Carlisle lounged sexily against the door frame.

Edward scoffed. "I thought my whore of a daughter was the Promised One." He kicked at the rug.

"Well, she actually might not be."

Edward glared at Carlisle. "What? You mean to tell me your wizard was wrong? I find THAT hard to believe." The last he said sarcastically, as if he very well could believe it.

Carlisle laid a hand on Edward's shoulder, though it was clear by the look on his face that he would rather hit him. "Well, yes, and no. You see, my wizard had some new information. She says that Renesmee will be the mother of the Promised One."

"And who would the father be?" Edward asked, though he was already pretty sure he knew the answer, even though Carlisle didn't.


	2. I'm the Map!

Edward glowered. "Hey Dad, where's Jacob?" he snarled. Why he should be getting so protective over his daughter's virtue NOW, instead of when she had first became a whore at Mr. Moarbucks' (he has moar bucks than you) behest, was beyond him. Maybe it was just the idea of Jacob violating his daughter.

Carlisle gave Edward a suspicious glance. "He's not here."

"Don't lie to me Carlisle."

"I'm not. He's really not here." Carlisle sat down on one of the several posh armchairs that were scattered around the room. He motioned for Edward to do the same. "You might want to sit for this."

Edward sat. "Now, would you mind telling me where Jacob is?"

"He was arrested by the M.O.D Squad, for crimes against humanity. And also for raping children."

"Oh, well, good riddance." Edward stood and started walking out the door.

"You know," Carlisle called after him, "We are going to have to go get him."

"Oh yeah? Well, what if I don't want to?" And he left.

Carlisle remained sitting, and put his feet up on the coffee table. Esme would yell at him, for sure, but he didn't really care. They were drifting apart as it was, what was another senseless fight?

"Helloooooo, NURSE!" came an exubrant cry from the door way. Carlisle looked up, and saw his First Wife, who was really just the most important of all his other concubines. She walked into the room, wearing an absurd robe and a pointy hat with stars embroidered on it.

"Are the fangirls secure?" he asked when she was standing in front of him.

"Of course they are. I even wizard-locked the door so they can't get into your underwear drawer again."

Carlsile scoffed (it was a sexier scoff than Edward's had been). "You are always talking about all these spells, but I've never actually seen you perform one."

First Wife pouted. "What's the matter? You don't believe me?"

"No, not really."

First Wife took her wand out of her sleeve and waved it around. "Well then, I'll prove it!" She chanted an incantation, and hit him on the head with her wand. A puff of sparkly dust surrounded Carlisle and cut off his vision. When the dust cleared, First Wife was snickering.

"What is so funny?" he asked sternly, and whinnied. Huh. That was odd. He had never whinnied before. First Wife pointed to a mirror that also happened to be in the same room. Carlisle looked in the mirror, and saw a unicorn looking back at him.


	3. Unicorn Power!

"Carlisle, you are a unicorn."

Carlisle tossed his mane. "You always were quick to grasp the situation, Edward. Was it the extra legs that gave it away, or the horn?" He whinnied impatiently. "Anyway, I have found a map."

"A map?"

"A map, Edward! To M.O.D. Jail! We're going to M.O.D. Jail, Edward!"

"Uh. Yeah. Right. You DO know that there is no M.O.D. Jail, right?"

"No, it's as real as this horn on my head." Carlisle poked Edward with the horn, just to make sure he got the POINT!

Edward pushed the horn away. "Anyway, do you mind telling me how you got the map?"

Carlisle nodded. "I just chanted 'I'm the map' several times. Be warned, we will have to do that when ever we want to look at the map."

"So can we look at the map now?" Edward was getting exasperated.

Carlisle snorted. "Of course. But you have to chant with me. I'm the map."

"I'm the map."

"I'M the map."

"I'm the map."

"For the love of Stephanie, Edward, put some FEELING into it! Where's your 'umph?'" Carlisle tossed his mane for what I fear might not be the last time.

"Probably in my room where I left it."

"What ever. Carry on then. I'M the MAP!"

"I'm THE map!"

"I'm the MAP!"

"I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the MAP!" Map materialized before them, finishing the chant himself. "Where do you want to go?"

Carlisle opened his mouth, but Edward was the first to speak. "We need to get to the M.O.D. Jail."

"Oh, I know how to get to the M.O.D. Jail! Do YOU know how to get to the M.O.D. Jail?"

This time Carlisle spoke up. "No, we don't, or we wouldn't need to ask."

"No need to get snippy with me! I can't stand scissors!" (ba dum hissss)

Carlisle tossed his mane and snorted. "So, Map, how do we get to the M.O.D. Jail?"

"Oh, that's easy!" Map unrolled himself in mid air and alighted upon the table. "First, you go through the Spooky Forest." An illustration of a forest lit up, and a blipping sound was heard in the background. "Then, you have to go over the Troll Bridge." A picture of a bridge lit up, and some trolls appeared around it. "And THAT'S how you get to the M.O.D. Jail!" Map rolled up again, and disappeared.

Edward shrugged. "That seems simple enough. First we go through the Spooky Forest. Then we go over the Troll Bridge. And that's how we get to M.O.D. Jail. Come on Carlisle, vamos!" Edward walked out the door.

Carlisle paused only to grab a purple backpack, then hurried out the door after Edward.

Needless to say, they made quite a sight. Imagine for a minute that you are walking down the road on sunny afternoon. As you turn the corner, you see a sparkling youth being followed by a unicorn with a talking backpack. You would probably be so surprised you wouldn't be able to move until they were well away from you.

Well, what you have just hypothetically experienced actually happened to one poor girl. She was so surprised she dropped her ice cream cone. She forgot she was in the middle of the street, and was hit and killed by a passing car. Carlisle used his unicorn powers to heal her while no one was looking.


	4. The Spooky Forest

After walking down the road a while, the two were suddenly in the Spooky Forest. Carlisle looked around. "Edward, we should be careful. We don't know..." Carlisle paused and looked down at a sudden beeping noise. A red piece of plastic had appeared in his hoof. It flashed once, then went to a view of the forest.

"The Spooky Forest," it said in a robotic voice, "is full of unsavory creatures, such as chatterboxites." It flashed to a new screen, displaying a pair of dentures.

"Chatterboxites reside in the Spooky Forest. They prey on small bugs and twigs, but have been known to swarm hikers in large groups. Their call is quite distinct," the plastic toy thing then played a recording, "bumpbumpbumpbump," and flashed off.

"Well," said Carlisle, "I guess we know what we are up against now."

"How are you holding that?" Edward asked, meaning the red toy.

"I don't know, Edward."

"You don't even have thumbs."

"I stopped questioning things five paragraphs ago," Carlisle said, and shrugged. "Well, I suppose we had better get going before-" He was cut off by a high pitched noised.

"Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump..."

Edward looked around, trying to figure out where it was coming from. "Oh no..."

"Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump..."

"Hurry Edward, jump on my back and I'll fly you to safety!"

"But, you aren't a pegasus, you're a unicorn."

"I'm hoping that maybe I'll grow wings as a plot device, now hop on!" Edward did, and Carlisle galloped and jumped.

Well, he didn't grow wings, but Edward had gotten so scared of the chatterboxites that he lost his lunch. Which had been converted into fairy dust by his digestive system. Carlisle whinnied in disgust, but hey, he was flying, so he wasn't going to complain too much.

Below them, the chatterboxites swarmed over the trees, eating them bare. From up high, they looked like those little gummy dentures you sometimes get on Halloween.

Well, after flying for a few minutes, Edward spotted the Troll Bridge. "Hey Carlisle, I've just spotted the Troll Bridge," he said. He pointed to a rickety wood-and-rope bridge strung across a deep gorge.

Carlisle looked at it in disdain. He would rather not walk on it, but Edward's fairy-dust-barf was wearing off, and he was loosing altitude quickly. He landed on the ground just in front of the bridge.

Edward climbed off his back and jumped on the bridge. It swayed and shook, but held up all right. "Come on!" he said, and started across it.

Carlisle walked onto the bridge slowly. He was nearly halfway across when Edward stopped.

"Carlisle," Edward said. "Caaaarlisle."

"What do you want?" Carlisle snapped.

"We're on a bridge!"

Carlisle snorted and speared Edward on his horn. Edward squirmed and gagged a bit, then stopped moving. Carlisle shook him off impatiently and continued across the bridge.

Edward stood up and healed himself. He scratched his head and caught up with Carlisle, who was almost over the bridge. "Hey Carlisle," he said, "Why is this called the Troll Bridge? I haven't seen any trolls."

Carlisle shook his head. "They only come out if there is something to flame."

"Oh." Edward opened his mouth.

"Hey, I know what you are thinking, and don't do it."

"Wait, I'M the one who can read minds."

"Yes, yes, anyway, don't do it. You don't want to be flamed, I can tell you."

"Oh pooh. I can take on a few trolls." Edward cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "TWILIGHT IS THE AWESOMEST BOOK EVER! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE IT IS A STUPID N00B!"

All of a sudden, thousands of trolls swarmed up the sides of the gorge and flooded onto the bridge. They were all short, and armed with flame-throwers. One of them, who appeared to be the leader, stepped forward.

"Twilight is a horrible piece of garbage, and all of the copies should be burned." She raised her flame-thrower and burned Edward.

Carlisle hissed in sympathy. "I told you so." Edward didn't reply, as he was applying lotion to his 3rd degree burn.

Another one of the trolls shouted, "Twilight is the sexual fantasy of a deprived Mormon woman!" His flame singed Carlisle's luxurious mane.

Carlisle stamped his hoof impatiently. "Okay, you win, have any of you seen a wolf-man running around, or possibly locked up?"

A little troll stepped forward. "Ya, I saw him. We flamed him good, and blamed the forest fire on him, too. Smoky the Bear locked 'im up."

"Oh no, not Smoky," Carlisle gasped.

Edward looked at him quizzically. "What's so bad about him? Doesn't he save the forest or whatever?"

"Yes, but if Smoky is running the M.O.D. Jail, then it will basically be a furry harem."

Edward's eyes widened. "Oh. That would be bad."

Carlisle rolled his eyes. "Don't fake it, everyone knows you are a closet furfag."

Edward had no reply to that, so he just shoved through the trolls to the other side of the bridge. Carlisle was close behind him. "So, let's go get Jacob, kay?"


	5. Bella is Icky

The closer they got to M.O.D. Jail, the more nervous Carlisle grew. He was not looking forward to meeting Smokey the Bear. He had heard a lot about the warden's fetishes, and he knew that his gorgeous unicorn form would be irresistible to the bear. As M.O.D. Jail loomed ahead of them, he shivered.

Edward, on the other hand, was eager to get to the jail. Though he would never admit it to anyone (least of all Carlisle), he was secretly a furfag. He was looking forward to get to what Carlisle had described as a "furry harem".

As they neared the door to the jail, a large bear walked out to meet them. It was Smokey, a fact made obvious by the name tag. Carlisle inclined his head politely while Edward salivated.

Smokey gave Edward an odd look, shrugged, and turned to look at Carlisle. Carlisle shivered at the look he saw in Smokey's eyes. "Hello, Mr. Warden," he said, "We are looking to bail out a friend of ours. We understand that you locked him up here, but we would like him back now."

Smokey rubbed his chin, pondering Carlisle's words. "Well, I would be more than happy to give him to you, but I'm afraid that may be impossible."

"What?" Edward asked, aghast.

"Well, the hax0r found a way out. But he wasn't too successful, if I do say so myself."

"What do you mean? He got out of your furfag hell," Carlisle asked, confused.

"Well, the cheat code backfired, and turned him into a her."

"Oh. That is unfortunate."

"Well, I guess I'll send you on your way now," Smokey said, "Unless, of course, you want to stay?"

Carlisle, who the question was directed at, shivered. "No thank you, we'll be fine."

"Very well. Good day." The bear lumbered back into his furry fortress. Carlisle sighed in relief, though Edward looked a bit disappointed.

Before stepping onto the Troll Bridge, Carlisle made sure to tape Edward's mouth shut with some duct-tape he found lying around M.O.D. Jail. Edward protested the rough treatment, but Carlisle ignored him. What could a pussy fairy do to a manly vampire unicorn, anyway?

They crossed the bridge in silence, unhindered by trolls. Carlisle prodded Edward along with the tip of his horn, making the fairy squeak in an amusing way. Just as they were about to reach hte edge, a form struggled over the side of the bridge and stood in front of them.

The girl looked familiar, though Carlisle was sure he would remember someone as sexy as the shapely woman standing before him. She looked to be of Native American descent, with long dark hair and dark skin.

While Carlisle was distracted, Edward ripped the tape off of his face. "Jacob!" he shouted. "Why do you have bewbs?!"

Jacob squeezed his new assets, grinning. "Well, when I haxed the M.O.D. Jail system, I added this nifty code that would change my gender!"

Edward reached forward. "Can I touch them?"

"Sure!"

Carlisle was disgusted that he had been daydreaming about this tranny, and also that Edward had outwitted him. He snorted and shoved past the two onto stable land.

"Come on, homos, we've got to get back. Bella's already been left to her own devices for a couple of hours, only Smeyer knows WHAT she's done."

Edward and Jacob composed themselves and followed Carlisle into the spooky forest. The chatterboxites were sleeping in their dens, so the journey was safe.

"Why is Carlisle a unicorn?" Jacob's feminine voice was disturbing. It sent shivers down Carlisle's spine.

"His wife turned him into one."

"Esme?"

"No, the other one."

"Which other one?"

"Do you think I can tell them apart?"

"Would you guys shut up?" Carlisle yelled over his shoulder. He instantly regretted it. The chatterboxites were irate about being woken up, and they swarmed the trio. Edward jumped onto Carlisle's back, helping Jacob up behind him.

"Edward, do that fairy-dust-barf thing!" Carlisle yelled.

Edward was already on it, thinking of all kinds of disgusting scenarios. It didn't work. Edward then visualized Bella in his mind.

Needless to say, it sufficed. Edward spewed fairy dust all over Carlisle, who rose into the air. They flew over the Spooky Forest, back to their house in Forks.


End file.
